22 Jun Sometimes Self-Loathing Motivates Positive Change
Sometimes, I just get so tired of doing the same thing over and over again that I’m finally motivated to really change. I finally get sick of my own established status quo. I finally become so miserable in my lack of improvement that I reluctantly do what it takes to start to improve.
That’s where I am right now.
I gained about 20 lbs a year ago through heavy lifting. My goal was to get stronger – and I did. I can do pull-ups, even! (and I mean REAL pull-ups, not chin-ups) Not many women can do that since we’re not naturally built for that kind of activity. It’s been a goal all of my life, and to achieve it I regularly lifted a lot of heavy weights over a period of several months.
The problem is, that although I have all this extra muscle on my body, I’ve never really hunkered down and cut calories to the point that my body will burn off the fat. I was eating about the same that I burned in exercise and all this muscle just pushed the fat out even more. Granted, I’m still very healthy, but when clothes started feeling too tight around my chest (not even my waist or hips) due to my larger chest muscles and back muscles, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore.
In truth, I had to stop drinking.
Ok, so I didn’t cut it out completely but I had gotten into a habit of drinking almost every day, and I wasn’t cool with that. So I seldom drink now, and that has been the best decision. I’ve already lost almost 2 lbs in 2 weeks. I wake up feeling good every day, even!
I knew a year ago, when I realized that I was bigger than I wanted to be, that quitting the drinking would be the key. So why was it so hard to finally do it???
Because sometimes you just want to feel good! Being self-employed, and an artist on top of that, I work on average 70-80 hours a week. It’s exhausting, stressful, and at the end of the day (or sometimes in the middle of the day) I just want to take the edge off. But in the end, the cons outweigh the pros and I find it’s taking more from me that it gives.
So now what? Well, at the end of the day when I feel like crap and want to have a drink but I REALLY can’t because I’ve already consumed my caloric allotment for the day, I just hurt. I just sit here in this sucky feeling….
for a few minutes… and then I think of things to do (that are not eating or drinking) and all those things pretty much end up being good and healthy things like:
Practicing the piano
Writing a new song
Writing in my journal
Crying (you may be surprised how much this helps)
Going for a bike ride
Gardening (I LOVE plants)
Now don’t get me wrong: I don’t think there’s anything bad about drinking. I LOVE to drink. But too much of a good thing is no good, as we all know.
I already feel better with every day – and I’m celebrating every little success – every day that I meet my goals is a success. Every day that I choose to sit with my overwhelmingly uncomfortable feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, and sorrow, instead of drowning those feelings out, is another day that I grow stronger.
And then I find out how truly strong I am.