Life with the Little Bean
When I found out I was pregnant with Natalia, I was PISSED. I had just lost my Dad, had literally played for his funeral/celebration of life only a few weeks before…. and I thought I would just miscarry AGAIN. I was NOT excited. I was struggling to deal with all the shock and grief and NOW I had to STOP DRINKING?!?!? And all just to have the kid die anyway??
I have to be honest… I never really *craved* a child like so many of my sex – I never got “baby fever”
But at the same time I didn’t want to find myself in my 50s without having had the experience of childbirth and – more importantly – motherhood. So I had it in my mind that I would probably just adopt. The motivations were significantly selfish – I wanted to raise someone to take care of *me* when I get old!
but…. also, I wanted to be able to invest in the next generation of humanity. And I knew that I could become a better person if I invested in a child.
But I wasn’t excited about being pregnant. Actually, I became a recluse…. most people didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was 8 months along, and even my closest friends didn’t know until we were well into the 2nd trimester, simply because it took ME that long to actually believe that this child might make it….
I remember being in the ultrasound room with Jorge literally just a year ago when we did the full anatomy scan, and found out it was a girl! (I had always assumed it was a boy and even referred to the growing baby as “him.”) I was disappointed – BUT only because I was WRONG all that time! lol
Actually, I was STOKED that I was gonna have a girl…
And this little girl has already changed my life completely. I have never been so focused on my vision for what I want to do with the rest of my life or what direction I want to go in with my music until now. And it’s not exactly what you would think, considering my history…. More on that next week….
Everyone says that you don’t know how much time you really have until you have kids. And that is true, but I don’t want to sound like a “martyr mom” – I had always heard nonsense like “oh, you’ll never eat another warm dinner again” and “oh you can just forget about time to yourself” ….UGH, I LOATHE the “martyr mom” rhetoric. THAT in itself is enough to scare off anyone on the fence about having kids, and it’s really utter BS.
But I have learned that every moment is so much more precious than I ever realized before. Especially in trying to record new music, I find myself really trying to capitalize on the “micro moments” – i.e. her naps! That’s the only way I can get anything done, really. Either that or I hire in-house child care (which I do, occasionally). I’m still breastfeeding, so traditional “day care” is out of the question, not to mention COVID! (oh… Did I promise not to mention the pandemic?? I sorry….)
But sometimes even finding time to take a dump is a challenge!!! Ok, sure, so I can just leave her in the crib to scream, and I *have* had to do that, but it’s not the ideal and not something you want to make a habit of. TMI, I know….
You still with me?
All you parents already know what I’m just beginning to learn:
Our CAPACITY to love is multiplied when we have a child.
I can’t explain it any better than that. And I love Jorge with all my heart, but now that Natalia is here,
my HEART is BIGGER.
I’ve become more patient, gentle, tender, and FAR more empathic than ever. Actually, I don’t know ANYONE would have *ever* used the words patient, gentle, tender, or empathic to describe me before having Natalia!
Jorge and I didn’t think we were going to be able to have kids, but here we are, and she is such a joy and a struggle. And in retrospect, she arrived at the PERFECT time.
I’m reminded of my song, “Paths Never Tried” – although I originally wrote this song about Jorge, the perfect timing of Natalia’s arrival and the immense love and gratitude that Jorge and I both feel for her really make this song appropriate at this time. After all, it’s our relationships that matter most in this life.
“If all the choices were free,
then I could have changed my mind.
If I had chased that old dream
too early in my life,
you wouldn’t be here with me –
your heart not here with mine.
I wonder how life would be…
were the wrong turns really right?”